- →98 questions across 12 categories, from aqeedah to life in the West
- →Aqeedah is deal-breaker number one. If you do not share the foundation of belief, stop there.
- →Green/red flags at each question help you weigh the answers
- →Interactive checklist + printable PDF included
I have seen couples divorce after three months because they never asked the hard questions. This guide exists so that you do not make the same mistake.
Yet far too many Muslims in the West enter marriage without having asked the right questions. The result? Misunderstanding, disappointment, and in the worst case, divorce within the first year.
Sheikh al-Albani (rahimahullah) stressed that the choice of a spouse is the most important investment after the shahada. You are not just choosing a person. You are choosing the parent of your children, your companion in this dunya, and your partner on the road to Jannah.
This guide contains 98 questions divided into 12 categories. Each category has an Islamic foundation with daleel, concrete questions, and green/red flags to help you weigh the answers. It is one of the most comprehensive nikah-preparation guides available, written from the Quran and Sunnah upon the understanding of the scholars.
Important principle: Every conversation should take place with the wali present or informed. A woman should not be alone with a non-mahram man. The conversations can happen by phone, by video call with the wali in the room, or in a public setting.
1. Aqeedah, the single most important thing (DEAL-BREAKER)
If you do not share aqeedah, nothing else matters. This is the absolute deal-breaker.
1. What does tawheed mean to you? Can you explain tawheed ar-ruboobiyyah, tawheed al-uloohiyyah and tawheed al-asma was-sifat in simple words?
2. What is your view on visiting graves and praying to the dead, on calling upon the awliya or prophets for help?
🟢 Green flag: Understands that du'a is directed to Allah alone, and that calling upon the dead is shirk. 🔴 Red flag: Thinks it is acceptable to pray at graves or call upon the dead for shafa'a.
3. What do you think of mawlid (celebrating the Prophet's ﷺ birthday)? Do you celebrate it?
🟢 Green flag: Understands that mawlid is a bid'ah that neither the Prophet ﷺ nor the sahaba practised. 🔴 Red flag: Insists on celebrating mawlid and considers it obligatory.
4. Do you follow a specific madhab? If so, how do you respond when a daleel (proof) from the Quran and Sunnah contradicts the opinion of your madhab?
🟢 Green flag: Follows the daleel over blind madhab-following. 🔴 Red flag: Refuses to consider the daleel if it contradicts their madhab.
5. Which scholars do you follow and take knowledge from? Name at least three.
🟢 Green flag: Names scholars known for the Salafi manhaj, such as Sheikh Ibn Baz (rahimahullah), Sheikh al-Albani (rahimahullah), Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen (rahimahullah), Sheikh Salih al-Fawzan. 🔴 Red flag: Follows known innovators, sufis, or sectarian preachers.
6. What is your view on bid'ah (innovations in the religion)? Give examples of what you consider to be bid'ah.
8. What is your view on tawassul (seeking a means to draw close to Allah)? Do you distinguish between permitted and forbidden tawassul?
🟢 Green flag: Understands that tawassul through Allah's names, good deeds, and the dua of the living is permitted, but that seeking tawassul through the dead or their rank is forbidden. 🔴 Red flag: Considers all forms of tawassul permitted, including through the dead.
2. Deen and daily practice
Deen is not about what you say. It is about what you do. Every day. These questions reveal whether the person lives their faith or only talks about it.
9. Do you pray all five prayers on time? Do you pray fajr on time every day, even on weekends?
🟢 Green flag: Prays all five on time, fajr without exception. Prays the sunnah prayers regularly. 🔴 Red flag: Misses prayers regularly, does not pray fajr, has no plans to change.
10. How often do you read the Quran? Have you memorised any of it? Do you understand what you read?
11. Do you fast beyond Ramadan? (Mondays, Thursdays, the white days, Ashura, Arafah)
12. Do you actively seek Islamic knowledge? How? (Listening to lectures, reading books, attending halaqat)
13. Is your income halal? Do you work in an industry where there are doubts (banking, insurance, serving alcohol)?
🟢 Green flag: Is conscious of halal income and avoids doubtful industries. 🔴 Red flag: Works with riba, sells haram products, and sees no problem with it.
14. Brothers: do you keep a beard? Sisters: do you wear hijab/niqab? What is your view on these obligations?
15. Do you attend Islamic gatherings? Are you connected to a masjid community?
16. How do you view music, film, and entertainment? What are your limits?
3. View of marriage and expectations
Marriage in Islam is a solemn covenant (mithaqan ghaleedhan, Surah an-Nisa 4:21). It is not merely a romantic relationship. It is an ibadah. These questions reveal whether you share the same vision.
17. Why do you want to get married right now? What is your primary motivation?
18. What do you expect from marriage? Write down your three most important expectations.
19. How do you see the role of love in marriage? Do you expect to be in love from day one, or that love grows?
20. What is your view on polygyny? Is it something you are considering, now or in the future?
🟢 Green flag: Has an honest and clear position, whatever it is. Respects that it is permitted in Islam but understands its conditions. 🔴 Red flag: Lies, avoids the question, or has hidden plans.
21. What matters most to you in a spouse? Rank: deen, character, appearance, education, finances.
22. How do you think the first year of marriage will look? What challenges do you expect?
23. Have you been married before? If so, what did you learn and why did it end?
24. Do you have any expectations that you know are deal-breakers if they are not met?
4. Roles and rights (Huquq)
25. What does qiwamah (the man's responsibility) mean to you in practice? How do you exercise leadership in the home?
🟢 Green flag: Understands that qiwamah means responsibility, consultation (shura) with the wife, and mercy. Not dictatorship. 🔴 Red flag: Sees qiwamah as total control, or denies the man's role entirely.
26. What does nafaqah (the man's duty of maintenance) mean to you? Does it include housing, food, clothing, and care?
27. Does the wife have the right to keep her own income without contributing to the household? What do you say if she wants to work?
28. Who should run the household? What happens if the wife also works full-time?
🟢 Green flag: The Prophet ﷺ helped in the home. Aisha (radiyallahu anha) reported that he mended his own clothes and repaired his own sandals. 🔴 Red flag: Refuses all help in the home and demands the wife do everything.
29. How should major decisions be made in your home? (Moving, the children's schooling, large purchases)
30. Where should the line be drawn on the in-laws' influence in your marriage?
31. Does the wife have the right to visit her family when she wants? Does the husband have the right to limit it?
32. What is your view on the wife studying or furthering her education after nikah?
5. Family and relationships
33. What is your relationship with your family like? Close, distant, complicated?
34. What role do you expect the in-laws to have in your marriage?
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35. Do you plan to live near or with your parents? Does your family expect it?
🟢 Green flag: Respects the parents but sets the boundaries of the marriage clearly. 🔴 Red flag: The mother's word always comes before the spouse's, or refuses all contact with the in-laws.
36. If a conflict arises between your spouse and your family, how do you handle it?
37. Does your family expect you to support them financially? (Sending money abroad, paying for siblings)
38. How do you view cultural traditions that have no Islamic basis but that your family expects? (Large weddings, mahr demands based on culture)
39. Do you have family members with addiction, mental illness, or other challenges that could affect your marriage?
40. What is your view on inviting guests home? How often? Who decides?
6. Communication and conflict
How you communicate decides whether your marriage survives. Not your feelings. Your habits.
41. How do you express anger? (Silence, raised voice, walking away, talking directly)
🟢 Green flag: Takes a pause, makes wudu, prays. And then talks calmly. 🔴 Red flag: Shouts, throws things, silent punishment for days, threatens divorce.
42. Do you use the silent treatment when you are angry?
43. If we have a conflict, do you think we should involve an outside party? Who? (Imam, family, counsellor)
44. How do you apologise when you have done wrong? Can you give an example?
45. How quickly do you forgive? Do you hold grudges?
47. How do you communicate your needs? Do you expect your partner to "understand" without you saying it?
48. How do you make important decisions? Impulsively, after seeking advice, or through istikharah?
7. Finances and provision
49. What is your financial situation right now? Income, savings, debts. Be honest.
50. Do you have debts? If so, what kind? Student loans, consumer loans, credit-card debt?
51. What is your view on riba (interest)? Do you have interest-based loans? Do you plan to take a mortgage with interest?
🟢 Green flag: Actively avoids riba, seeks halal alternatives, or has a plan to become riba-free. 🔴 Red flag: Sees no problem with interest, takes loans without thought, or lies about debts.
52. How should the household finances work? Joint account, separate accounts, or a combination?
53. The man's nafaqah duty is clear in Islam, but how should it work in practice? How much of the income goes to the household?
54. If the wife works, what happens to her income? Do you expect her to contribute?
55. Do you have financial responsibility for other family members? (Sending money to parents, siblings abroad)
56. What is your view on saving and investing? Do you save actively?
57. Housing: rent or buy? If buying, how do you approach mortgages and Islamic financing?
8. Children and upbringing
58. Do you want children? When? How many?
59. If Allah does not grant you children, how do you handle it? What is your view on kafala (fostering) and fertility treatment?
60. How should the children be raised Islamically? Quran memorisation, Arabic, Islamic school?
61. State school, Islamic school, or home education? What do you prefer and why?
🟢 Green flag: Has a clear plan for the children's Islamic upbringing regardless of school choice. 🔴 Red flag: "We'll take it as it comes" with no plan, or sees no risk in a secular upbringing.
62. How should you discipline the children? What is allowed and what is not?
63. What language should be spoken at home? English, Arabic, Somali, or a mix?
64. How do you approach the children's contact with non-Muslim classmates? Birthday parties, sleepovers, activities?
65. Should the children take part in Christmas, Halloween, and other secular celebrations at school? Where is the line?
9. Health and lifestyle
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66. Do you have any chronic illnesses, mental-health conditions, or medications your partner should know about?
🟢 Green flag: Honest and open about health, even the hard things. 🔴 Red flag: Hides serious health problems that affect the marriage.
67. Are you willing to do a health check before nikah? (Blood tests, genetic screening)
68. Do you exercise regularly? What is your view on physical health?
69. What is your diet like? Are you careful about halal, including additives and the method of slaughter?
70. How much time do you spend on social media? Which platforms do you use?
71. Do you have any addictions or habits you struggle with? (Screen time, smoking, vaping)
72. What are your sleep habits like? Are you a morning person or a night owl?
73. How do you handle stress and pressure? Have you experienced burnout?
10. Intimacy, respectful but necessary
74. What expectations do you have of the intimate relationship in marriage?
75. Do you know the Islamic rulings around intimacy? (What is permitted, forbidden, the adab)
76. What is your view on contraception? Is it permitted? Under what circumstances?
77. If there are problems in the intimate relationship, how do you think you should handle it? Are you willing to seek help?
78. Do you have a past that you feel your partner should know about, without details?
🟢 Green flag: Has made tawbah, conceals sins (as Islam urges) but is honest about what affects the marriage. 🔴 Red flag: Lies outright about things that directly affect the partner, or boasts about sins.
80. What is your view on speaking openly about intimate needs with your spouse after nikah?
11. Conflict resolution and divorce
81. What would make you consider divorce? Where is your line?
82. What is your view on talaq (divorce)? Do you see it as a last resort or something you threaten with?
🟢 Green flag: Sees talaq as a last resort after arbitration, always tries to resolve conflicts first. 🔴 Red flag: Threatens divorce at every argument, or sees divorce as utterly unthinkable no matter what happens.
83. If we have a serious conflict, will you accept that we bring in an arbitrator (imam, elder family member)?
84. Do you have experience of divorce, your own or close family's? What did you learn?
85. If we divorce, how do you think the children should be handled? What does Islam say about custody (hadanah)?
86. What is your view on khul' (when the wife requests divorce)?
87. How do you handle it if you discover your partner lied about something important?
88. Is there anything in your past — legal, medical, or personal — that your partner should know before nikah?
12. Life in the West
Being a Muslim in the West brings unique challenges that Muslims in Muslim-majority countries do not face. These questions help you discuss the reality you live in.
89. What is your view on cohabitation vs. nikah? Many in the West live together without marriage. Where do you stand?
90. Do you plan to register the nikah legally (civil marriage), or only Islamically?
🟢 Green flag: Understands the importance of legal protection, especially for the wife and children. 🔴 Red flag: Refuses legal registration without a valid reason.
91. How should you raise Muslim children in a secular society? What is your strategy?
92. How do you handle the children being invited to Christmas parties, Halloween, and other secular events at school?
93. What is your view on living in the West long-term? Do you want to stay, move to a Muslim country, or are you open?
94. Which masjid community do you belong to? How active are you?
95. How do you view halal food where you live? Do you trust certifications, or do you source carefully yourself?
96. How do you balance your Somali heritage with Islam? What happens when they collide?
97. How do you handle Islamophobia and discrimination at work or in daily life?
98. How involved do you want extended family and the wider Somali community to be in your marriage decisions?
Deal-breakers, a summary
There are things that are Islamic deal-breakers and things that are personal preferences. Do not confuse them.
Islamic deal-breakers (non-negotiable): - Incorrect aqeedah (shirk, grave-worship, serious bid'ah) - Abandoning the prayer entirely (Sheikh Ibn Baz and Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen held that the one who abandons the prayer has left Islam) - Open sin without tawbah (zina, riba, alcohol) - Bad character (abuse, lies, deceit) - Refusing Islamic rights (nafaqah, good treatment)
Personal preferences (negotiable): - Appearance, height, complexion - Ethnicity or cultural background - A specific level of education - City or place of residence - Cooking skills
Do not confuse deen with culture. A man who prays, has good character, and provides for his family but is not from the "right" clan or country is better than one from your culture who does not pray.
How to use these questions, 5 steps
Step 1: Prepare yourself first. Before you ask the questions of someone else, answer them yourself. Write down your answers. You cannot demand what you do not live up to.
Step 2: Involve your wali. Sisters: your wali (father, brother, uncle, or another mahram) should be present at the conversations or at least informed of the process. Brothers: respect her wali and communicate with him.
Step 3: Take it in stages. Do not try to go through all the questions at once. Plan 4-6 sittings of 60-90 minutes each. One category per sitting.
Step 5: Make istikharah. After you have gone through the questions and feel content, pray salat al-istikharah and put your trust in Allah. If it is khair, Allah will make it easy, and if it is not, Allah will turn it away.
Words of wisdom from the Salaf
Al-Hasan al-Basri (rahimahullah) said: "If a man comes to you whose deen and character please you, marry him to your daughter. If you do not, there will be great corruption and devastation on earth."
Umar ibn al-Khattab (radiyallahu anhu) said to a man: "Do not deprive your daughter of her right by marrying her to a wicked man. His wickedness is an oppression against her."
Sheikh al-Fawzan said: "The most important thing when choosing a wife is that she is religious, of good character, and that her family is known for goodness. Beauty without deen is a trial."
A du'a for the one seeking a spouse
The Prophet Zakariyya (alayhi as-salam) prayed in his solitude:
And the general du'a:
Make these du'a regularly. In sujood, after salah, and on Fridays.
Where Somali Marriage comes in
Somali Marriage is built to support the whole journey, from finding a potential partner to having the decisive conversations. Our platform offers:
- Wali verification. Sisters cannot be contacted without wali approval.
- Detailed profiles. Every field you need for an informed decision.
- Private messaging. Communication that stays between the two of you.
- Full privacy. Your details are never shared without consent.
Register free at somalimarriage.com and begin your journey toward a halal marriage built on the Quran and Sunnah.
May Allah bless your search and grant you a spouse who is a comfort to your eyes and a strength for your deen.
From the Seerah
Ali and Fatimah, the Prophet's ﷺ own daughter
When Ali ibn Abi Talib (radiyallahu anhu) sought to marry Fatimah (radiyallahu anha), his mahr was two suits of armour. The Prophet ﷺ asked him about his means, his plans, and his deen. He questioned Ali — not to make it difficult, but to make sure his daughter would have a good husband. Every wali should do the same.
an-Nasa'i, Sunan al-Kubra
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Frequently asked questions
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ encouraged getting to know your future spouse carefully. Marriage is a covenant, not something to enter blindly. These questions help you discover whether you share values, expectations, and goals in life.
No. Choose the questions that matter most for your situation. Some couples need to talk more about finances, others about raising children. What matters is honest conversation.
According to Islamic practice, a wali should be present or informed. At Somali Marriage we encourage the wali to be involved, especially in the later stages.
Expect 4-6 sittings of 1-2 hours each. Some couples spread it out over several weeks.
Islam encourages honesty before marriage. None of the questions on this list are inappropriate. They are necessary.
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